21 mistakes that can cost you your marriage

It may not necessarily cut across but it
has been argued that there seems to be
an increasing rate of divorce in many
climes around the world.
A visit to any of the (functioning)
customary courts around the country,
especially within the Lagos metropolis,
would suggest an increase in the rate of
divorce, as both old and young couples
visit the courts to seek the dissolution
of their marriages. And the reasons
could range from shocking to ridiculous.
Regardless, with about 50 per cent of
marriages ending in divorce in the
United States and no fairer situation in
many other places the world over, it has
become imperative to identify certain
mistakes couples make in marriage that
could lead to a divorce.
Some marriage counsellors have argued
that a perfect marriage is hard to come
by because couples tend to disagree on
issues from time to time, but they note
that the success or otherwise of
marriages, depend largely on how
couples handle their differences.
Usually, when talking about divorce, one
of the factors that readily come to mind
is infidelity, which simply means being
unfaithful to a spouse. But beyond that,
there are other things that lead to
divorce, such as spousal abuse, bad
manners, peer influence, unrealistic
expectations, lack of quality time with
one’s spouse, inadequate
communication, deceit and
unsatisfactory sex life.
According to a seasoned marriage
counsellor in the United Kingdom, Elly
Prior, common relationship problems
that often lead to divorce include
cheating (be it one-night stands,
internet relationships and long- and
short-term affairs), excessive reliance on
social media, sexual problems,
significant differences in core values and
beliefs, traumatic or life changing
events, response to (work-related)
prolonged stress, infertility, boredom,
jealousy, family issues and domestic
abuse.
Other reasons she identified include
incompatibility, lack of responsibility
towards children and finances,
unrealistic expectations, addiction to
certain unpleasant substances, lack of
support in times of need, for instance
during pregnancy and child-bearing
period, poor communication and poor
division of house chores.
2
Some previous studies, as discussed on
this page, had pointed out that couples
tend to have an exciting marriage
experience if husband and wife share
house chores mutually. One of the
studies stressed that the marriage tend
to last longer if the husband do more
house chores, as the woman would want
to reward such gesture by giving her
best to make the relationship work.
Other reasons identified by Prior include
perceived loss of care or concern,
significant personal disappointments,
mental health issues and significant
differences on how to discipline or deal
with the children.
According to Prior, issues like the ones
identified above often lead to divorce if
the affected couple do not handle it
with care and maturity. She, however,
noted that such issues could be resolved
if only the couples could consult
marriage counsellors who could help
them resolve their differences.
In another twist, some psychologists
from Western Sydney University,
Australia, in their study of 5,500 people
aged between 21 and 76 identified the
factors that could lead to a divorce to
include bad sex, laziness, dirty
appearance, being too needy or
demanding, lack of sense of humour or
too boring to be with, distance, lack of
self confidence, too much interest in
television or video games and low sex
drive.
Other factors identified are
stubbornness, having talkative trait,
excessive quietness, having a partner
that is too blunt, one that does not
want children, one that has kids already,
someone that is too athletic and one
that is not athletic.
Interestingly, unlike infidelity or
cheating that is capable of dragging a
marriage to an abrupt end, some other
factors provide a subtle premise, which
a displeased partner could capitalise on
and initiate the divorce process.
The study, posted on Mail Online,
showed that many couples are
disgruntled with their sex lives because
men value quantity over quality unlike
women who desire quality. It pointed
out that about 50 per cent of the
women were dissatisfied with their
sexual experience and wouldn’t mind
making it a subject of divorce.
The study noted further that many
women are also displeased with their
partner’s laziness when it comes to
house chores, as well as unclean
appearance and being boring.
For men, however, they were found to
be irritated to the extent of filing for
divorce if their partner had a dirty
appearance, followed by distance
between them, which could deprive
them of intimacy and good sex life.
The researchers wrote in the journal
Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, “Women are likely to be more
selective about their relationship
partners to avoid costly mistake in their
marriage and to avoid being pregnant
for low-quality mates. Thus, they must
choose a suitable mate who will help
them to successfully raise their children.
“Also, men would more likely be turned
off by a woman who talks too much and
has a low sex drive while women, on
the other hand, were more likely to
discontent with men who lack self-
confidence and engage too often in TV/
playing video games. This is consistent
with prior work showing that women
desire mates who are dominant,
ambitious and status-driven.”
Also worthy of mentioning is a study by
some Swedish scientists that a variation
of oxytocin, A-allele, makes it difficult
for some women to bond with others
and be committed in a relationship.
Hence, if they eventually get married,
they are “50 per cent or more” likely to
be faced with marital crisis or divorce.
Meanwhile, another 26-year study
conducted by the University of Michigan,
United States, found that people’s
relationship with their in-laws could
influence the stability or otherwise of
their relationships.
It found that when a man has a close
relationship with his wife’s parents, the
couple’s risk of facing divorce decreases
by 20 per cent, while if a woman has a
close relationship with her husband’s
parents, their risk of divorce increases
by 20 per cent.
As prevalent as divorce is, the negative
effects of broken home cannot be
overemphasised. Previous studies have
shown that children raised in broken
homes have been found to be nine
times more likely to commit crimes than
those brought up in stable families. This
could be partly because, in some
instances, children born into such homes
are left hanging between the straying
father and mother, often deprived of
parental care and attention.
Responding to the study, a psychologist,
Prof. Oni Fagboungbe, said apart from
infidelity, poor communication, poverty,
among other factors, the influence of in-
laws in this part of the world could not
be overemphasised. He averred that
the closer the husband or the wife gets
to the in-law, the safer their marriage
would be, saying the intervention of in-
laws in moments of need could save the
situation.
“However, in-laws tend to work against
the person if they find out that he or
she is depriving them of certain benefits
that should accrue to them or is not
showing them enough respect,” he said.
Speaking further, he said, “Other factors
include, poverty, the inability of a
spouse to meet the needs of the other
person and absence of effective
communication. When some people
have issues in their marriage, instead of
talking to the spouse about it, they keep
it in mind and start looking for avenues
to pour it out. In the process, they get
different kinds of advice from people
and there is a possibility of taking a
wrong one that can crash the marriage.”
While advising couples on ways to avoid
such issues that could earn them a
divorce, Fagboungbe said there was
need to take courtship more seriously
and that the willingness of the parties to
make it work goes a long way to
determine the success or otherwise of
the relationship.
He said, “What we call courtship is
fizzling out. It’s no longer there, yet
people need to understand themselves.
They need to agree whether to make
the marriage work or not, and that is
the essence of communication. The
agreement tend to shapen their
mentality and with that, there is
tolerance, acceptance, support and
other variables that will make the
marriage work. If there is an issue and it
gets to a turbulent stage, this is where
the in-laws will come in, and that is
what we call participative management
in industrial psychology.”