There is room to take a break from the
tedium of Nigerian politics and delve into
some aspect of our lives, this time, one
which is fundamental to societal structure
and nourishes our mutual co-existence:
RELATIONSHIPS, specifically, relationships
of sexual partnership, love and marriage.
I would like to think there is a correlation
between societies that largely uphold
values of strong family units and their
higher societal development.
What’s turned me sentimental today, you
would ask? Marriages and the increasing
propensity for their dissolution in our
time, is what. And at no other time does
the concern become more topical than at
marriage functions.
I was in one such function last week in
the United Kingdom. It was a marriage
that qualifies as ‘society wedding’ in its
own right. The bride is Funmilayo (Funmi
for short), daughter of my good friend,
Chief Segun Odegbami; and the groom,
Solomon Damilola, son of Dr. Ebun
Sonaiya, the Chief Medical Director of
Total Health Trust Ltd., the first and
arguably the most successful Health
Management organisation in Nigeria and
probably in the West Africa sub-region.
The Sonaiyas (including Prof. Mrs. Remi
Sonaiya, the sole lady presidential
candidate in the last election) were
intimidating both in their number of
family and friends that stormed the
Marriot Hotel venue, in highbrow Park
Lane/Mayfair area of London and in their
classy style. If we, on the bride side
(including my friend, Prof. Tunde Makanju
of the University of Lagos) totally
outnumbered (and outspent!) had not
supreme value of self-worth with us, we
would have bothered about being
outmatched. The Sonaiyas and their
friends, medical doctors, professors, et al,
including my friend Dr. Seyi Roberts, flew
in in droves from all over the world:
Nigeria, USA, Canada, Europe,
everywhere.
But enough of the preamble. The wedding
got underway though well behind
schedule – we are Nigerians, remember?
And, for not too strange a reason, I was
called upon to be the chairman of the
august occasion. Not too strange a
reason, I say, because, as I am told, it is
the prerogative of the bride to choose
the chairman at such events. And, lucky
me, the bride, Funmi, and I have a ‘pact’
from when she was but a child: she sees
me and says to me, ‘hello, my favourite
uncle;’ to which I would return, ‘hello, my
favourite niece.’ And when the ‘favourite
uncle’ call isn’t quick in coming, I ask her,
‘Am I still your favourite uncle?’ ‘Yes, of
course,’ would come the reply. So,
expectedly, only her ‘favourite uncle’
would take (or is it break) her wedding
cake, excuse the pun.
‘Love and relationships’ is the topic of
today, lest I forget. And my intendment
as chairman at the wedding was to reel
out some long list of ‘relationship lessons’
held in pages and pages of typed sheets.
Unfortunately, the enemy time denied
me that. I did summarise, rather
inadequately, but do have pleasure here
in providing a greater detailed ‘summary’
for my readers to enjoy.
A week to the wedding, my family – of a
few adult sons and a daughter, their
mother, a daughter in-law, and another
‘favourite niece’ – were at a function
when one amongst us who has not been
lucky with his relationships in the past,
asked of us what three most important
advice each could proffer as guide in
relationships.
And so began an exercise in sociological
discourse and a conversation that has
kept going by crosscurrent emails till
date!
I opened with my three that became four
and five subsequently (Daddy’s
prerogative!):
(1) What you see at the beginning is what
you get. If there’s something you
seriously detest in a partner (attitude,
values, etc.), don’t go into the
relationship hoping he or she would
change, get on your bike. There’s an
interesting note a dying mother left for
her 13-year old daughter: ‘Never love
someone whom you think you need to
mend— or who makes you feel like you
should be mended.’
(2) What you hear, be it the ‘sweet
nothings,’ or whispers from others, aren’t
necessarily so. Be questioning yet
trusting.
(3) Don’t get caught but if you do, live
with it and make the best of your
situation. The grass may not be greener
on the other side!
(4) It is essential to have or develop some
common interest or passion: a sport
(tennis, golf, badminton, swimming, etc.),
a game (chess, scrabble, etc.) to do
together (not merely quiet stuff like
watching film/TV/reading).
(5) Truth: Encourage truth telling by not
overreacting to ‘unpleasant’ truth. Also, if
you can’t stand some truth, don’t ask
some questions. Is that what is meant by
‘ignorance is bliss?’
Thereafter ensued a flurry of advice in
each person’s turn. Again, I have no space
to run each and every one today. But,
there are a few worth highlighting for the
benefit of my many young readers – well,
and the not so young too!
1. Check family background beforehand.
Family unity history is important.
2. Be romantic, do little things that say, ‘I
care about you’, not just in the early days
but throughout your relationship, keep it
alive, keep it burning.
3. Sorry: learn to say sorry and mean it, you
don’t even have to be in the wrong but
being sorry that your partner is hurt, can
alleviate bad feelings that can cause and
deepen chasms.
4. Be friends first, best friends, you need to
be able to love this person regardless of
the physical/emotional changes they may
go through— you need to love the
essence of the person, to want to confide
without fear, to be yourself with no
pretences. You must love being in each
other’s company— though fully
comfortable being on your own or silent.
5. There is no place for pride, for ego.
Humility is crucial. Neither of you is bigger
than, or above, the other. Don’t seek to
prove yourself in front of each other, or
others— you need to have faith in each
other’s understanding of your worth.
Nevertheless, do not love someone more
than you love yourself— you must be
emotional equals.
6. Be with someone whose life goals—
values really— are in tune with yours—
you need to be moving in the same
energetic direction.
7. Laughter is truly the best medicine!! It’s
very important that you not only enjoy
each other’s company, but that you make
each other laugh. It stimulates adrenaline
and releases endorphins—pure pleasure!
8. Compassion without codependency.
Giving and supporting is essential but
depending on the others support all the
time places a pressure on the
relationship. Sharing each other’s
freedom rather than demanding it.
9. Emotional honesty is important, complete
honesty isn’t.
10. Consistency of effort, the effort will bring
rewards. Making an effort to celebrate
together during good times and work
through bad times. Don’t have give up.
The best way to stay married is to not get
divorced.
